Short Jokes

  1. Why do men like football? Because the biggest priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
  2. Inventor of the bar code dies at 91. Several burial attempts will be made before a manager is called to enter him into the ground manually.
  3. Don’t you love that moment when you’re cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?
  4. Just paid 2 dollars in quarters to put air in my tire… This inflation is out of control.
  5. It’s a sad day when you watch National Geographic and realize oysters have a better sex life than you.
  6. There’s a knock at my door. Jehovah’s Witness. I decided to let him in. I go, “Now what?” He says, “I dunno…I never got this far.”
  7. I’m not afraid that the world is going to end…. I’m afraid that it isn’t going to change….
  8. Can they make band aids that are easier and faster to unpack so I don’t bleed to death?
  9. At first notice, the word “Diputseromneve” looks quite ridiculous. However, if you read it backwards its even more stupid.
  10. Behavioral studies show that those who use a lot of swear words tend to be more honest. That’s what I’ve been trying to fcuking tell you!
  11. Facebook is for Leaders…..Twitter is for Followers
  12. It’s so cold outside my nipples just typed this status.
  13. Skinny girls look good in tight clothes.. butt curvy girls look good naked
  14. I can already tell December 21st will be the most annoying day in Facebook history.
  15. Dear Men. When a woman says she doesn’t want to talk about it, you’d better shut up, grab a chair and get ready to listen…for hours.
  16. After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.
  17. I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium are going out. I was like OMg.
  18. I thought The Walking Dead was having a special tonight…. Turns out it was just The Rolling Stones performing at the 12/12/12 concert.
  19. Some people you know were dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
  20. Think women are the weaker sex? Try pulling the blankets back to your side.