Short Jokes

  1. 3 horrible facts: 1. Today is not Friday… 2. Tomorrow is not Friday… 3. The day after tomorrow is not Friday…
  2. Why do psychics ask questions?
  3. Just once I’d like to wake up as eager to start the day as my p*nis is.
  4. Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.
  5. Appearing to be productive at work requires more effort than actually being productive.
  6. Men are like roses. But watch out for the pricks.
  7. I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “Haha good one!” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap
  8. The best kind of love is experienced when the person who touches your ass also touches your heart.
  9. My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don’t exist. He’s busy vacuuming now.
  10. Wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?
  11. Next time I see a dead deer on the side of the road, I’m gonna leave and come back dressed as Santa with a sign that says “Help, need ride!”
  12. I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
  13. Don’t take it personally if I don’t like you. Some of my best friends are people I don’t like.
  14. The only time a woman succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby
  15. I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
  16. What’s red and goes “Oh, Oh, Oh!”? Santa walking backwards.
  17. I hate people who say “Age is just a number” — Age is clearly a word.
  18. I’m not real good about sharing my feelings unless I hate you.
  19. It’s so cold out the hookers downtown are charging 20 bucks to blow on your hands.
  20. Whoever said technology will replace paper… has obviously never tried to wipe their ass with an iPad.