Short Jokes

  1. Seeing your ex go through what they put you through. Priceless..
  2. How was I supposed know she was ugly? She had big titties.
  3. I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
  4. the refrigerator is a clear example that what matters is whats inside
  5. The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
  6. Anyone else think they should limit Oscar acceptance speeches to 140 characters like Twitter?
  7. This year’s Oscars are just like Zero Dark Thirty. We know how it’s gonna end, but let’s all pretend it’s suspenseful.
  8. So from now on I believe in talking bears until someone can logically explain how that Ted scene just happened on the #oscars
  9. Oscar Pistorius said he wanted a new bathroom door….. But his girlfriend was dead against it
  10. If I swallow magnets will it make me attractive?
  11. When I’m in a good mood I act like I’m I’m in a bad mood so nobody approaches me and ruins my good mood. Neat huh!
  12. Sometimes I think I’m too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop.
  13. Here’s a joke for all you mind readers out there…
  14. Me: Why am I still single? Brain: You’re weird as shit. Body:You’re fat. Face:You’re pretty ugly. Food: Don’t worry babe, I’m here for you.
  15. I need a backspace key for my mouth
  16. I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.
  17. My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
  18. Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
  19. Does anyone have the owner’s manual for a wife? Mine’s emitting a terrible whining noise.
  20. My iPhone auto-corrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways.