Short Jokes

  1. And the Oscar goes to……………………………… Court for killing his girlfriend.
  2. “Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye”: Man side of every phone conversation with his wife.
  3. “That guy is such a douche-bag! Is he single? Maybe I can fix him!” – women
  4. He already ruined your mascara, don’t let him ruin your night.
  5. Why are you all so excited it’s Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.
  6. First, there was planking, then owling and milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be thinking, that would be great.
  7. If only plastic surgeons also sold class.
  8. If A-B-C-D didn’t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to be so rushed.
  9. Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook.
  10. If I had a time machine, I’d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
  11. Too much of my life is spent trying to think of something to write on people’s FB walls for their birthday other than “Happy Birthday!”
  12. You have no idea how happy I get when p̶h̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶r̶i̶n̶g̶s̶ ̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶.̶ the microwave beeps and the food is ready.
  13. A man asked his mother “How will I ever find the right woman?” She replied “Forget finding the right woman, focus on being the right man.”
  14. Don’t try to understand women. Women understand women, that’s why they hate each other.
  15. I think Facebook is ruining my life. I’m going to log off and I’m not coming back…for at LEAST an hour!
  16. I’m not an alcoholic, an alcoholic NEEDS a drink… I already have one
  17. Friends don’t let friends make ‘Harlem Shake’ videos…
  18. If one door closes and another one opens, seek help your house is haunted.
  19. If she takes off her heels to chase you, then you better call the police while you still can.
  20. I hope the friends that haven’t called me in a while know how much I appreciate that.