Short Jokes

  1. If she is married or has a boyfriend make sure she swallows the evidence.
  2. I’m not a “stalker”. I want to make sure you’re okay at all times. You can look at me as an unpaid bodyguard.
  3. Weird is a side effect of awesome.
  4. Thanks phone, for being strong every time I dropped you.
  5. Fellas, If her pelvis doesn’t touch yours when you embrace, she doesn’t find you attractive.
  6. OK, so they have GPS that can navigate you all the way across the country…why can’t someone invent a device that can remind you why you went into a room?
  7. Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
  8. I asked the lady from the collection agency out on a date. She turned me down, but keeps calling. I told her I’m too old for games.
  9. I like my sex like I like my belts… If it’s not tight enough, I’ll move it to another hole .
  10. I can’t stop drinking about you.
  11. Be careful who you trust, the devil was once an angel.
  12. Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
  13. If you leave without a reason, don’t bother coming back with an excuse.
  14. If you need space – join ‘NASA’ Baby! XD
  15. I wonder if these beers are performance enhancing. I’m feeling pretty awesome!!
  16. Hmmm,,,, Tell me more about this “victim” role you play due to the circumstances that you’ve created for yourself.
  17. When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
  18. Somehow,, We’ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
  19. Whenever someone asks, “you look familiar, where do I know you from?” I like to respond with, “Well do you watch porn…?”
  20. I’ve got my own lie detector at home. I call her “honey”…..:)