Short Jokes

  1. My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.
  2. I have two dance styles: Sober, dancing silly as a “joke” or drunk dancing with confidence, same exact moves.
  3. If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?
  4. Nothing beats a woman with a great voice. Except Chris Brown.
  5. This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues.
  6. 15 is the age where you either look 11 or like 25
  7. Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
  8. That awkward moment when you’re trying to end a conversation and the other person won’t stop talking.
  9. I didn’t sleep well last night so I made my coffee with redbull instead of water. I got half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.
  10. I was worried because I heard a beep and didn’t know if it was my cell, iPod, Wii, Skype, Facebook, email, Twitter or TV. Thank God it was just the fire alarm.
  11. In Dog Beers, I’ve only had one.
  12. The diamond ring on your finger says “married” but the reveling clothes you are wearing says “still looking.”
  13. Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
  14. If whores, witches, ghosts and hobo’s show up on my doorstep, I can only assume it’s Halloween because our family reunion was in July….
  15. I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
  16. I remember when my old Nokia phone said I had low battery it meant that I had 2 days to find a charger.
  17. I don’t have Instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow
  18. We didn’t take a video recording of our child’s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
  19. The ONLY thing I miss about being a teenager is being able to legally punch other teenagers.
  20. I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.