Man says to his friend, “If I slept with your wife while you were at work and got her pregnant would that make us related ?” Friend replies, “Gee I dunno about related, but I know it would make us even”
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
I wish I could just “like” a text message so I don’t have to respond.
A girl in China lost her virginity at 12. Her name is “SUM YUNG HO”
I wish there was an ” I don’t get it button.”
If you’re in love with 2 people, pick the second one, If you really loved the 1st, you wouldn’t have fallen for the 2nd.
I’ve come to realize that if a Facebook profile picture has two people in it, It always belongs to the uglier one.
I could never cheat in a relationship… That would require TWO people finding me attractive. I can barely find one.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I’m interested to find out what the police have Oscar Pistorius’s height listed as.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I think Mondays were invented to punish us for all the fun we have on the weekends!
I just cleaned out my Facebook friends list. Congratulations if you are reading this! I still like you!
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Somewhere in Russia, a little kid farted a half beat before the meteor blew out all the windows. It was the greatest moment of his life.