If I was a transformer, I would turn into Megan Fox’s vibrator
Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine’s Day.
This Valentines Day I hope you got shot by Cupid and not a legless Olympic sprinter.
Nike has to stop it with this “Just do it”. First it was Tiger Woods. Then Lance Armstrong. And now Oscar Pistorius.
Lance Armstrong, Oscar Pistorius, Tiger Woods all sponsored by Nike. Perhaps they should change there slogan to “Don’t do it!”
If Lance Armstrong and Oscar Pistorius have taught us anything, it’s don’t trust athletes with missing body parts
I’m gonna make you .org until you .com everywhere.
Roses are red, violets are blue…valentine’s crap is over now don’t you have some ironing to do
I think Congress should be forced to go on minimum wage. That way I can feel more comfortable calling them public servants!
Some people pride themselves on their hard work. I pride myself on doing so little and yet keeping my job.
Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria’s Secret when I can hold your boobs up all day for free.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
DESPERATION is exactly what I look for in a woman.
Facebook etiquette: Thou shall not hold a conversation under someone’s status post.
There was a therapist on TV talking about the importance of having a reward system in place for when your child behaves. I remember having that with my parents, it was called “not getting your ass beat”!
Girl On Fire by Alicia Keyes would be a great theme song for a Vagisil commercial!
Popup ads are the Jehovah’s witnesses of the internet.
The only thing I know about women is that they have lots of feelings and they’re not afraid to tell you about each and every one of them.
At my funeral, I want a homie to adjust my junk one last time. I’m not gonna rest peacefully if my balls are pinched between my legs.
I asked my wife if it was still necessary to get her a card for valentines day even after 5 years of marriage. She said yes and the only card she wanted was VISA.