Short Jokes

  1. I can’t be what you want. I’m too busy being what I want.
  2. Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials because I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies.
  3. Whenever I get called into my boss’s office, my entire Facebook career flashes before my eyes.
  4. Dear Cupid, next time hit us both.
  5. Having sex with people that have low IQs is f*cking stupid
  6. There is a method to my madness….and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable…..
  7. If you want to pick up girls ….Keep your back straight and lift with your knees
  8. Do you like him like him, or just Facebook like him?
  9. “Just Be yourself” is something I rarely hear from people who know me well.
  10. To that person who long, long ago, first looked at coffee beans and thought, “You know, I bet I could make some kind of hot drink out of these things.”… I THANK YOU. VERY VERY MUCH.
  11. I’d love the chance to relive my life, then I’d know exactly what people to kick in the crotch immediately upon meeting them.
  12. That awkward moment when I’m really drunk and you’re still ugly.
  13. I’d kill for a microwave that plays Europe’s “The Final Countdown” during the last 30 seconds.
  14. For every male action, there is a female overreaction…
  15. I haven’t got a Twitter account, so I just carry around a megaphone to announce what I’m doing at random times. So far I’ve got 3 followers – but I think 2 are cops.
  16. Tips to reduce weight: First turn your head to the right, then turn it to the left. Repeat this every time you are offered something to eat.
  17. I didn’t give a f*ck until I drank Red Bull. Now I don’t give a flying f*ck.
  18. I can’t help but feel important when someone says there’s a special place in hell for people like me.
  19. If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot.” you are wasting everybody’s time.
  20. I just stepped on a cornflake. Now, I am officially a cereal killer.