Short Jokes

  1. Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
  2. Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you.
  3. Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.
  4. Facebook: A place for liars and braggers to unite.
  5. When you’re trying to watch something and your whole family decides to have a competition to see who can be the loudest.
  6. Not to brag, but I can still fit into my high-school girlfriend.
  7. Let’s get naughty and save Santa the trip.
  8. Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there, we’re liking Facebook posts as fast as we can.
  9. Uhm, excuse me waiter… I’d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
  10. Never look back. If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe, she wouldn’t have become a princess.
  11. I just found out that his full name is actually….Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
  12. My boss told me that if I can’t show up sober then don’t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
  13. I better have a baby soon before my Mom gets too old to raise it for me
  14. Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
  15. Thank you all for the Happy Birthday wishes!!! Had a GREAT DAY!!! (didn’t read a single one)
  16. Girl’s status* “Bored” – 86 likes – 27 comments *My status* “Just got accepted into Harvard! – 0 likes – 1 comment from Mom: “nerd”
  17. Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
  18. Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
  19. When I was a kid, I was told “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” For the first seven years of my life everyone thought I was a deaf-mute.
  20. You don’t have to like me but at least base it on your own opinion, not someone Else’s.