What are the 2 most important holes in the female body? No, you f**king pervert. It’s her nostrils. How else could she breathe while giving you a blowjob?
With all the crazy things I’ve done and survived, I’m convinced its because God has a special purpose for me and doesn’t want me to die yet. Although, more and more, I get the impression its just because He needs a laugh every now and then.
I love people I can get weird with.
According to the BMI chart I am too short.
Most Facebook updates should be like this: Hi everybody, I didn’t have anything meaningful to tell you. I just wanted to waste your time.
Ladies, place your heart in the hands of God & he will place it in the hands of a man who he believes deserves it.
One step forward for cancer research, two steps back for women getting men to go down on them. Thanks, Michael Douglas
The generation of today are so allergic to everything, future wars will be fought by throwing bags of peanuts and cat hair at each other.
Just had to ask myself, “What would a competent person do in this situation?”
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you’re angrily chasing him.
My new nickname at work should be “Laxative” cause I make sh*t happen.
I’d rather have Samuel L Jackson narrate my life.. No offense, Morgan Freeman.. My life requires multiple uses of the word m 0therfcuker.
Family…Friends….Fun…Fridays. All good things start with “F”.
I’ve never met a Friday I didn’t like!
Friday…Gods Gift to the working People
Coffee makes my mornings. But Friday makes my week
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.