How many times do I have to say “excuse me” before “get the f*ck out of my way” becomes acceptable?
I’m a ventriloquist. I can put my hand up your skirt and make your lips move!
You call them “cuss words”… I call them “sentence enhancers”.
Watched my first porno today… I looked much younger back then.
When I’m in the shower, why does every noise sound like my phone?
Having a dirty mind is okay, but having a clean heart is much more important.
Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Diamond, Bentley, Pearl, Light Bill, Rent, Car Insurance.
I’m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they’re taking it out of their cars too?
Too ugly for the people I want. Too hot for the people who want me.
Being fat is just a giant trophy for all of the awesome food you ate.
Women need to learn that “most of my friends are guys” just means you have a list of dudes who are trying to bone you.
A new drug has just been developed for lesbians with depression. It’s called trycoxagain.
My girlfriend found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
Dear girls who take a picture in slutty clothing and glasses & label the caption “Geek lol” You’re not a geek, you’re a whore who found glasses
You’ve never been truly drunk until you’ve had to use a bar-stool as a walker to get home.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way. Although we cannoli do so much, he will forever be a pizza history. His wife? Cheese still not over it. Just goes to show here today, gone tomato. Lets send olive our prayers to the family.
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption “Summer is finally here!” or we wouldn’t have known it’s summer.
Stevie Wonder’s housekeepers probably don’t do a damn thing all day long.
Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?