Short Jokes

  1. Marriage is the only legal way to trade cash for sex.
  2. A zombie boyfriend will love you for your brain and not your body.
  3. The Three Up’s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
  4. I once visited The Virgin Islands. When I left, they were just called The Islands.
  5. Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your  face.
  6. Your girlfriend should never be jealous of another woman. Instead, you should do your best to make other women jealous of  her.
  7. I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no f*cking money in there.
  8. Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Huge tits.
  9. This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
  10. You know your marriage is on the rocks when your wife goes to bed wearing a rape whistle.
  11. People don’t realize how hard it is to write stupid things on a regular basis.
  12. Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. Who has hair on their shoulders. Whose shampooing their shoulder hair. Please come  forward.
  13. In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
  14. My friend hates theme parks because he doesn’t like the idea of waiting for 5 hours for 2 minutes of pleasure. And yet he  still goes on dates.
  15. Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.
  16. Does anybody know how can I send an enemy request on Facebook?
  17. I’m a responsible person. People are always saying “I know you’re responsible for this.”
  18. Tombstone request: Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin. The engraver shortened it to: ” Returned unopened.”
  19. I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?
  20. I don’t know who decided that high heels were just for women but…GOOD CALL.