The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it’s your day off.
Tell someone, “You wore that shirt the day after yesterday” and see how long it takes them to get it.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” …… apparently.
“I like your pushy.” – Sean Connery talking dirty to his woman
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere!”
Premature ejaculator seeks bubbly, blonde female with big ti…… Hang on. It dosen’t matter now……!
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people.. together.
The less people you chill with, the less bullshit you deal with.
“American Pie” ruined it for any kid that actually DOES have an amazing story from band camp.
Just saw a girl in cutoff jean shorts so unbelievable short that you could see private parts sticking out the bottom of mine.
I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Dear LOL, Thanks for being there for me when times get awkward. Sincerely, I have nothing else to say
Local news is like Facebook. You get stories you don’t care about, some jerk talks about weather and it all ends with pictures of animals doing funny stuff.
Hugh Hefner- 87 years old, has 27 years old wife; Berlusconi -77 years old, has a 27 years old girlfriend; Maradona- 52 years old, has a 22 years old girlfriend. Moral : Don’t worry that you don’t have a girlfriend or wife, your’s probably isn’t born yet.
The best things in life aren’t things.
I once dated an amputee. She single-handedly changed my life
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
If you don’t tell your girlfriend she’s beautiful everyday, 614 guys on Facebook who haven’t had sex or even been on a date in 9 years will.