Short Jokes

  1. Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
  2. Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.
  3. Congratulations to the new Miss America! Now please answer your phone, I need tech support.
  4. The girl on the stripper pole got mad because I gave her a monopoly dollar, well fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails gets fake dollars!
  5. Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
  6. I’d stop disappointing you, if you stopped expecting me to do stuff.
  7. I’m not popular, but I have nice friends. I’m not rich but I have what I need. I may not be liked but I know I’m loved.
  8. One old song. A thousand old memories.
  9. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…
  10. I’m wearing that smile you gave me 🙂
  11. All I’m saying is that Miley Cyrus was on the Disney Channel and had her clothes on when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
  12. Be careful when you’re watching a movie with your wife. You’re gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.
  13. The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
  14. Trying to think of a joke about jerking off… I’m sure it will come.
  15. I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but there’s only room in your ass for one head, and yours is already there .
  16. I’m not the type of person you want to put on speaker during a phone conversation.
  17. don’t always talk on the phone. But when I do, I walk around like an idiot and touch everything in sight.
  18. Just because it’s Friday the 13th, people seem to think that horrible things are going to happen, like another shitty horror movie being released.
  19. Its going down, basement. Friday the 13th guess whos playing Jason? Tuck yourself in you better hold on to your teddy. Its Nightmare on Elm street and guess whos playing Freddy?
  20. Some things are better left unsaid, but I’m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.