Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said “a tent of lovers.” I wasn’t really listening.
Today I picked up a hitchhiker. Dropped him off at Crystal Lake. Seemed nice but didn’t say a word. Was wearing a hockey mask. Oh, these wacky kids and their crazy fashions!
Weird stuff happens to me on Thursday the 12th and Saturday the 14th, too.
You find it offensive. I find it funny, that’s why I’m happier than you.
My wife told me she bought a really sexy dress just for me. I’m planning on wearing it this Friday.
Girls are too sensitive. She said she was having twins and I said, “At least you’ll finally have 2 kids by the same father.”
The new #iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, #Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I’m sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
It’s only Wednesday and I’m already 94% done with this week.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!
I read my kids a few select Facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, “This is why we have to stay in school”
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
I fell off a 50 foot ladder yesterday. Luckily I was on the bottom step.
Maybe if I took my problems to the gym they’d work themselves out.
A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
What’s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
LISTEN,,, Every pizza can be a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.