Short Jokes

  1. There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
  2. A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
  3. Sex is like cooking. Your girlfriend will be angry at you because you ate your neighbour’s even though she hasn’t cooked for you in weeks.
  4. Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller…
  5. Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.
  6. Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
  7. I’m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
  8. I don’t trust public opinion polls because they don’t take into consideration the fact that the public is made up of mostly idiots.
  9. DATING TIP: add ‘Free Wi-Fi’ to your dating profile
  10. Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
  11. Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.
  12. I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
  13. To all you single ladies out there, as winter slowly approaches I am offering you a good high quality man blanket for this winter. Claim me now while supplies last. . .
  14. I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
  15. When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
  16. Ladies, never agree to do an@l, save it for when you do something so bad a blowjob can’t fix things.
  17. I refuse to engage in any sort of drama on Facebook. I’m here to escape that in real life.
  18. I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
  19. Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
  20. If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.