Breast Obsession

Johnny was obsessed with women’s breasts, so he went to a psychologist and told him his problem.

“Let’s play a little word association game,” the doctor said. “I’ll say a word and you say the first thing that comes to your mind.”

“Plums,” said the doctor.

“Breasts,” Johnny said.

“Oranges.”

“Breasts,” Johnny replied.

“Watermelons.”

“Breasts,” said Johnny

“Wipers.”

“Breasts,” Johnny said.

“Wait a minute!” the doctor said. “I can understand the connection between plums, oranges, watermelons and breasts. But, automobile wipers? Where’s the connection?”

“Easy, doc,” Johnny explained, “one on the left and one on the right!”

Good News Bad News

One day a man walked into the doctor’s office to find out the results of his annual check up.

“I’m not going to beat around the bush Mr. Smith,” said the doctor, “There is good news and there is bad news. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the bad news first,” replied the man.

“Well,” said the doctor, “the bad news is that you have only 48 hours to live!”

The man suddenly starts to sob uncontrollably and eventually says, “Oh my God, what am I going to do? Is there no cure for what I have?”

“I’m afraid not sir,” replied the doctor, “I’m sorry but you will certainly not last more than 48 hours.”

“But I thought you said there was good news.” asked the man.

“Oh yes,” replied the doctor, “I nearly forgot to tell you! You know the beautiful nurse at reception when you came in?”

“Yes!” replied the man.

“The blonde in the tight white uniform?” asked the doctor.

“Yeah,” replied the man, beaming, “the one with the big t*ts!”

“That’s right,” said the doctor, “The good news is I’m shagging her!”

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a  teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket  because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed  near the window?”

Twins

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. “I’m so happy to see you recovering”, he says. The woman responds, “Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?” He replies, “Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure.”

“In fact,” he goes on, “you’ve given birth to twins – a boy and a girl.”

The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, “Right away, but we’ve already sent the infants home with your brother. We’ll call and tell him you’re okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names.”

At this point, the woman gets upset, “Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?” The doctor answered that her name was Denise. “Oh, Denise, that’s not so bad. What name did he give my boy?” The doctor answered, “Denephew”.