New Government Scheme

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much .SHIT. …(Special High Intensity Training) as possible.The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of .SHIT. they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough .SHIT., please bring this to the attention of your Local MP who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for: Economic Value of Individual Lives – E.V.I.L.

Skyrocketing Gas Prices

One thing I really can’t get mad at the president for is skyrocketing gasoline prices. Actually, I’m cool with that. Truth is, I want them to go higher, kind of a cloud with a silver lining. Because the higher they go, certain things change … like the number of drive-by shootings will go way down.

My Dad Remembers Free Air

I stopped to put air in my tires today. The air pump now costs $1.50!

I remember when the price was only 25 cents. Then 50 cents. And a couple weeks ago it was $1.00

(sigh) I guess the price was adjusted for inflation.