How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets.
How do farmers party?
They turnip the beets.
A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon load of corn.
A farmer, who lived nearby, heard the noise and yelled to the boy, “Hey, Willis, forget your troubles and come in for a visit. I’ll help you pick the wagon up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but Pa wouldn’t like me to.”
“Aw, come on, boy,” the farmer insisted.
“Well, OK” the boy finally agreed, “but Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish,” the neighbor said with a smile; “by the way, where is he?”
“Under the wagon,” replied the boy.
A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?”
Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Ipad & Iphone and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer, turns to the farmer and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Sid.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
Then Sid says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf..?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Member of Parliament for our Government”, says Sid.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that..?”
“No guessing required.” answered the farmer. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a fucking’ thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. …
Now give me back my fucking’ Dog..!
A farmer was sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.”
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.
“So what happened then?” the man asked.
The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
The man laughed and said, “Again?”
The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head.
“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.
“So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in …
Some things you just can’t explain.”
A reporter hears about an amazing pig and goes out to the farm in northwich to get the story. He finds the farmer near the barn and asks him if the rumors about his pig are true.
“Yep,” says the farmer. “I got a pig that started squealing real loud
when the house was on fire. He woke us all up and so we all got to
safety. Otherwise we might have been killed. That’s some pig.”
“And didn’t the pig save your boy from drowning?” asked the reporter.
“Yep, he raced right into the pond and pulled my little boy out by his shirt collar. Saved his life,” the farmer says, wiping a tear from his eye.
“Wow, I’d like to see this pig,” the reporter says.
“Well, come on over here.”
The farmer leads the reporter over to a nearby pen. There in the mud the reporter sees a pig with a wooden leg.
“Why does he have a wooden leg?”
The farmer replies, “Well, you don’t eat a pig like that all at fucking once.