One Sunny Morning

A couple of friends are playing golf one sunny morning.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green of the ninth hole when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well, we were married 35 years so I figured its the least I could do!”

Golf Fanatic

There’s a fellow who is a golf fanatic.

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time.

He gets up early and eager, golf all day long, 36 holes sometimes.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet and goes to his car to drive to the course.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He returns to the garage.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.

He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”

To which she sleepily replies, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that?”

1 Wood

Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at a well-known golf course on the edge of Greenwood, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.

The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.

The first lady says, ‘He is definitely not my husband.’

The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, ‘He is not mine either.’

After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, ‘He’s 1not even a member of this golf club’

Bedroom Golf

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the  shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete.Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of,alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

New To Golf

I played golf for the first time ever this morning.

As I was about to take my first shot I noticed that there were several people in the clubhouse watching me.

“Stay calm,” I thought, putting my ball on the tee, “you’ll do fine.”

As I took the shot I could see it heading directly for them.

“Fore!” I shouted as it smashed through the window.

“Are you some sort of fucking retard? screamed a bloke.

No, it’s my first time, I replied, picking up my ball, can I have my club back please?