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The couple is in the throes of a divorce settlement. They must decide about custody, visitation and child support for their only son.

He: “My son belongs with ME! You can have weekend visitation and see him a full month in the summer.”

She: “The courts almost always side with the mother when it comes to custody. You aren’t a fit parent, you just sit around and play chess all day! Chess! Chess! Chess!”

She: “And knowing you, you would prefer to live in Georgia rather than Florida. How will you handle that?”

He: “It’s too early in the divorce proceedings to talk about travel and relocation.”

She: “You are treating our son like a pawn! Where would you move?”

He: “Pawn to e4, like I always do.”

I went to the doctor this morning as I haven’t been feeling well.

The doctor examined me, left the room and came back with three different bottles of pills.

He said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medication I stammered, “F**king hell, Doc, what’s my problem?”

He said, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

Poo like a man, or woman ???

Like a Man

1. Select reading material

2. Tell everyone along the way, “Just going for a dump, okay?” Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts etc. You must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper before throwing it into the pan.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).

14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man’s self-esteem that other people smell his produce.

Like a Woman

1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of any stomach pain that may be caused whilst waiting to get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.

4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.

7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per roll).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.

12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.

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