New Jokes

After watching some soppy film my girlfriend texted me:

‘Love, if I waz turkish wud u lern turkish 4 me?’

I replied, ‘Yes, of course darling. Would you learn English for me?’

‘yh, corse I wud’.

‘No, I mean, please, would you?’

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers on route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job on-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Another Blow job
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

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Hot Jokes This Week

My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.

“What are you doing?” she asked in shock.

“Making you someone to play with,” I said.

“A brother?” she asked excitingly.

“No, a cousin,” I replied. “Now go and watch out for your mother coming home.”

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition, blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained 17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers on route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job on-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Another Blow job
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over, naturally)
6:45 shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

Click here for more HOT JOKES!