3 in 1 Oil

Paddy’s wife gave birth to triplets..

“How in God’s name did that happen ?” says Paddy

“Remember that night when i was very dry and we had no Vaseline so we used 3 in 1 oil ?”

“Bloody hell” says Paddy “I’m fuckin glad i didn’t use WD40” .

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!”

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle’s engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA’s mission control center announced, “This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!”

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, “This is mission control to the astronaut…”

At this the astronaut responded “I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.”

A Retiring Farmer

A retiring farmer needed to rid his farm of animals in preparation for selling his land, so he went to every house in his town.

To the houses where the husband was the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the wife was the boss, he gave a chicken.

When the farmer arrived at the end of the street, he met a couple who were outside gardening.

“Who’s the boss around here?” he asked.

“I am,” replied the man.

“Well, then, I have a black horse and a brown horse,” the farmer said. “Which one would you like?”

The man thought for a minute and said, “The black one…”

“No, no, no… the brown one,” interrupted the man’s wife.

The farmer shook his head and remarked to the man, “Here’s your chicken.