I Can Still Do Anything

I was looking at this bloke who’s lip had a large steel spike in it when he said, “What the hell are you looking at, I choose to be individual and I can still do anything you can.”

“Oh yeah,” I said, “Well fucking try blowing a balloon up.”

Buzzing Sound

My young daughter asked me this morning, “Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream.”

“Nothing, darling,” I replied.

It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.

The Randy Panda

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly starts to leave.

“Wait,” says the woman. “You owe me money,”

“For what?”

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”

The panda says, “I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda — look it up.” She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary. It says, “Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”