- I’m always amazed at how drinking 2 beers translates into 5 gallons of piss ….
- From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
- If a girl tells you she has a nipple ring, the only correct response is “I don’t believe you.”
- Dear bill collectors, I know I still owe you….but I have some GOOD NEWS!!! I typed “Amen” on a Facebook post, and in 48 hours, I will get a TON of money. So, when I get it, I will pay you.
- If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn’t you who decided to have sex.
- It’s English, not ‘American English’. There is no such thing as ‘American English’, there is English and there are people who don’t know how to speak or write English.
- You can tell a lot about a woman the way she pours gasoline around your car.
WARNING: If you are at a Desktop, don’t be swallowing coffee when you read this one or you may spray your monitor.
Due to a big influx of Canadian tourists, NASA has built new public restrooms at Cape Canaveral just for our neighbors to the chilly north.
That allows Canadians to have their own bathroom for ICBMs.
- The real problem with the upcoming election is one of them is going to win..
- Those miniature bottles of alcohol at the liquor store should be free samples while you shop.
- John Lennon was killed by a fan. Where are those Kanye West fans when you need them?
- I never date left handed women. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.
- Reasons I Can Relate To Raccoons: 1) Dark circles around eyes. 2) Eats junk. 3) Small and chubby. 4) Stays up all night. 5) Cute but will fight you.
- People setting up GoFundMe’s because they can’t afford a TV… Don’t you know that’s what lay-a-way is for?
- I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
- My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, “your daughter” wasn’t the right answer.
- I don’t always have a cool Facebook status, but when I do, an older relative ruins it with a lame comment.
- Boss just announced he is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
The Madame opened up a new sporting-house with an eye to cutting costs.
She had all the rooms on one story to cut out the fuckin’ overhead.
Trump and Cruz are sitting in a bar…
A guy walks in, spots them, and asks the barman, ‘Hey, ain’t that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?’
The bartender says, ‘Yep, that’s them.’
So the guy walks over and says, ‘Wow, what an honor! What are you guys doing in here?’
Trump says, ‘We’re planning World War III.’
The guy says, ‘Really? Whaddaya think you’ll do?’
Trump says, ‘Well, we’re planning to kill 140 million Muslims, and a stunning blonde with a Double-D rack.’
The guy exclaims, ‘A beautiful blonde with double-D rack? You’re shittin’ me. Why kill a gorgeous blonde with big tits?’
Trump turns to Cruz, and says, ‘See? I told you, no one gives a shit about 140 million Muslims.’