At a Job Interview ” What are your Strengths?” “Im an opportunist and a positive thinker” “can you give me an example?” “Yes, When do I start?”
Why are Suicide Bombers always angry ? Because of their Short Fuses.
I called a Plumber – He was Chinese. I called an Electrician – He was Chinese. I called a Builder – He was also Chinese. Bloody Yellow Pages
I used to say ” It takes a lot of balls to publicly admit you cheated, but Lance Armstrong proved it only takes one.
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we are having a baby. For Instance my Name, Address and Telephone Number.
Whats the difference between a Pick-Pocket and a Peeping Tom ? One snatches your watch and the other watches your snatch.
I always think of questions that no one can answer. For example: Who picks up Guide Dogs poo. ? MIND BLOWN!
How do you make a Tissue Dance ? You put a little Boogie in it.
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the hear the word ‘FACIAL‘
Have you got a copy of “Living with a small penis ?” Librarian – “I don’t think its in yet” “Yep thats the one” – I replied
Why Do Women have Orgasms ? Another chance for them to moan.
Why did God create women ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
Dictionary For Women’s Personal Ads 40ish ………………… 49 Adventurous …………… Slept with all your mates Athletic ……………… No Tits Average looking ……….. Has a face like an arse Beautiful …………….. Pathological liar Contagious smile ………. Does a lot of pills Educated ……………… Fucked to death at college Emotionally secure …….. On medication Feminist ……………… Fat … Read more…
A man and a woman went to court disputing over custody of their child. The Judge asked the woman to rise and argue her case. “I went through all the pain undergoing labour and I see no reason why the child’s custody should not be handed to me”, she pleaded. The man replied, “Your Honour, … Read more…
My Dad just had a stairlift installed in the house. Its driving him up the wall.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Sometimes I worry about what other people think but then I remember that most people are super dumb and probably don’t think at all, like those that vote for our political leaders.
A black kid and his father are on an airplane. The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement. “Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced we were forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have … Read more…
I’ve put a hole in a bar of soap and I use it to masturbate. Normally I wouldn’t share this kind of information, but I just have to cum clean.
I’ve been watching so much porn lately, I’ve started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in.