Latest Jokes

5

Here’s a tip for you:

When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again.

This way, if they ever leave you, they’ll get withdrawal symptoms, think it’s love, and come back.

5

“Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you’re out?” my wife asked.

“Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Christmas presents?” I replied.

7

Justin Bieber will reportedly spend the next two weeks with a pastor to learn how to spread the word of God. “It won’t be easy, but I think it will make me a better person” — said the pastor.

10

My wife told me I was incapable of multitasking….

So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time.

8

A California man has stabbed his potential employer during a job interview.

At least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.

8

I got chatting to a girl in a bar last night and after buying her a drink I said, “I think I should tell you that I suffer from premature ejaculation”.

“I admire your honesty”, she answered, “But I only met you ten minutes ago, there’s no guarantee that I’m going to have sex with you”.

“Oh, I know that”, I replied, “I just didn’t want you to think that I’d wet myself.”

7

My wife thinks the reason she can’t fit into anything any more is not because she’s fat, but because everything has shrunk.

I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen our car in the washing machine…

9

My mate said, “I hope I win the lottery tonight. I’ve got 6, 3, 20, 38, 15, 42 as my numbers, what are the odds?”

I said, “3 and 15.”

6

My wife said sex was getting boring and she wanted to try something new.  She asked me to strangle her during sex because she read it heightened the pleasure.

And it really did, for me anyway.

Her funeral is in 3 days….

8

In a BMW manual the first page says “Drive like an a$$hole” and rest is just tips on how to bring up your BMW in every conversation.

8

“What is the name of the South African paralympic athlete nicknamed the Blade Runner?” I was asked when appearing on ‘Eggheads’ tonight.

“Can I take a shot in the dark?” I asked

“We’ll give you that one it’s Oscar Pistorius”

Click here for more latest jokes!

Hottest Jokes

10

My wife told me I was incapable of multitasking….

So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time.

9

My mate said, “I hope I win the lottery tonight. I’ve got 6, 3, 20, 38, 15, 42 as my numbers, what are the odds?”

I said, “3 and 15.”

8

“What is the name of the South African paralympic athlete nicknamed the Blade Runner?” I was asked when appearing on ‘Eggheads’ tonight.

“Can I take a shot in the dark?” I asked

“We’ll give you that one it’s Oscar Pistorius”

8

In a BMW manual the first page says “Drive like an a$$hole” and rest is just tips on how to bring up your BMW in every conversation.

8

I got chatting to a girl in a bar last night and after buying her a drink I said, “I think I should tell you that I suffer from premature ejaculation”.

“I admire your honesty”, she answered, “But I only met you ten minutes ago, there’s no guarantee that I’m going to have sex with you”.

“Oh, I know that”, I replied, “I just didn’t want you to think that I’d wet myself.”

8

A California man has stabbed his potential employer during a job interview.

At least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.

7

My wife thinks the reason she can’t fit into anything any more is not because she’s fat, but because everything has shrunk.

I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen our car in the washing machine…

7

Justin Bieber will reportedly spend the next two weeks with a pastor to learn how to spread the word of God. “It won’t be easy, but I think it will make me a better person” — said the pastor.

6

My wife said sex was getting boring and she wanted to try something new.  She asked me to strangle her during sex because she read it heightened the pleasure.

And it really did, for me anyway.

Her funeral is in 3 days….

5

“Can you get some bleach and some washing powder whilst you’re out?” my wife asked.

“Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Christmas presents?” I replied.

5

Here’s a tip for you:

When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again.

This way, if they ever leave you, they’ll get withdrawal symptoms, think it’s love, and come back.

Click here for more hottest jokes!